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Top 10 stories
6 ratings
#37
Ominous, dark clouds hung low over the elementary school. The storm was rapidly approaching this New Jersey Township. | Mrs. Milleson crowded the students into the gym and tried to stay calm. "The pillow ball game must go on!" she announced. | "But I hate pillow ball!" Whitney McWhinerson whined. "Whitney, just because you lost your eye in a game of pillow ball doesn't mean you're able to get out of it." Mrs. Milleson said. | "Besides, you still have another good one." Just then, Carrie let loose with a thunderous blow, knocking Whitney's other, good eye clean out of its socket. "Son of a..." Whitney started, but Mrs. Milleson cut her off. "Whitney! Pick up that eye!" | "I can't see it!" Whitney moaned, scrabbling on the gym floor for for her eye. "Whitney's eye has gone bye-bye!" Carrie chanted as she lobbed her pillow ball at Whitney's leg. It his Whitney's thigh and sheared off a large chunk of meat.
4 ratings
#130
I said, I'm bluffing with my muffin. Like hell you are, the tall man with the scar replied. | I started to turn away but felt a pit open in my stomach as I imagined him watching me walk off. I didn't want that. I didn't think he would even let me go. | Then the angel Grommet came over from Gabon and said, This woman is the mother of my child or will be in twelve months and I demand that you descend unto thine knees before her for when the child comes no one without humility could ever be spared. | Twelve months? So this bitch ain't pregnant yet? Then how can you be so sure, Grommet? | And thus spake Grommet: as goes the goose, so goes the gosling. It shall suck from her all its mothers milk before it is birthed, and it shall leave the womb that nursed it a dessicated husk.
10 ratings
#14
The Dalek had never been in a Jewish deli before. | A kindly old man with a black hat and a beard stood behind the counter. "Hello friend, can I recommend the matzo ball soup today?" "A MATZO BALL IS NO MATCH FOR A DALEK. EXTERMINATE!" "Oh are you an exterminator? We have a bit of a roach problem." | "NO. WE HAVE A BIT OF A *HUMAN* PROBLEM! EXTERMINATE!" The Dalek began indiscriminately firing its weapon, killing several patrons of the deli and completely ruining a perfectly good schnitzel. | The old man put his hands on his hips and glared sternly: "You should be ashamed of yourself! What would your mother say? What sort of guest would treat a host like this? I'm shvitizing from serving people all day and you come and ruin a good kugel!" | "I. HAVE. NO. MOTHER." the Dalek said, lowering its eyepiece sadly. "Oh you poor thing!" exclaimed the storekeeper. "Here I am scolding you while you simply searching for love. Stay here with me." Turned out that Dalek could make a damn fine knish.
10 ratings
#2
I had never climbed a mountain quite that big before. The sun was just about to rise, and I was nearing exhausting. John had told me that | there was a chest of gold buried at the summit of Mt. Precipice. But at that point I would have traded it all for my warm bed at home. "Just four more miles to go," I told myself. Suddenly, with a loud crack, the icy ground began caving in around me. | Struggling for purchase and facing almost certain death, I suddenly remembered the words of my life-long mentor Shin-Hao Tsu: "Look not within yourself for the butterfly, but rather within the butterfly for yourself." | Shoot, I realized: that has absolutely no application here. That was my last thought before I | starting falling, stomach in mouth, hands flailing. Just as my life began to flash before my eyes, I was shocked back into consciousness. I had hit solid ground. Without opening my eyes, I wiggled my toes. "I'm not paralyzed!" However,
8 ratings
#1
Today when I arrived back home, I was greeted by a strange sight. I couldn't believe my eyes. Sitting in my living room was | an old man wearing roller skates and a wide red headband. We eyed each other warily from across the room for a few moments. He seemed perturbed by my presence. Eventually he broke the silence and said | "finally." He continued to stare blankly in my direction. I paused a moment. "Finally what?" | Without thinking, I ran to my room and put on my roller blades and tutu. I grabbed the hand of this beautiful stranger and we took to the streets, roller-waltzing the night away. Finally I felt alive, for the first time in 27 years. | I awoke the next morning covered in scratches, wearing the remains of a shredded tutu, and holding a wide red headband. "Ah," I thought, "this is what I get for chilling with a werewolf."
4 ratings
#61
The woman was middle-aged and dowdy, but she slept in silk sheets. She had one pet, a black and white mouse with kind, vulnerable eyes. She carried the red box of pet food over to his cage, and that's when she realised he was dead. | She immediately realized she could sell the red box of mouse food for a tidy profit. | It was a practically full box of VerminYumz, after all. Were she to glue the perforated flap closed carefully, nobody would be able to tell it had been open. She looked once last time at her tiny friend, then laughed nervously. | "My poor little mousy, we've been one soul for so long...and now...", then she grabbed the silver spoon and | impulsively shoveled some of the pet food into her mouth. Closing the box carefully again, she crunched on the dry hard bits. The carcass was still there when she locked the front door. Time to make a killing.
8 ratings
#60
There was once a boy with a penchant for petulance. His name was Billy King, and one day he was going to be a stand-up comedian. Or at least he'd always thought. Until one day when he stepped out onto a busy road and lost his legs. | Billy was for awhile stumped for an answer to that question he always asked; "What is it I'm meant to do here?" Then one day Billy went to find the answer. He took to the streets on his stumps and went out into the world, constantly looking upwards. | One day, while studying a shape in the clouds that resembled a squirrel with a large eel clamped to it's back, he fell down a manhole. It was then that he realised his entire philosophy of always 'looking up' was flawed. | "Kick man! Kick!" A man shouted at Billy as he thrashed in the water at the bottom of the manhole. Billy glared up at him and continued to tread water the best he could. | Which was not very good at all, but having phantom leg pain, Billy did not know this. The green sludge of the manhole devoured him, and he found himself in a large pink helmet on top of a man's head.
2 ratings
#55
Disney World was not the place for a balding, overweight man in his mid-thirties with a handful of leaflets on the Reformed Church of the Holy Shark, and, clearly, the approaching guards had the same feeling. This was going to end poorly. | One of the more experienced guards, slightly chubby himself, stepped forward to confront the heavy-set man. "Sir, we're going to have to ask you to come with us. You are bothering the other visitors and scaring the children." | "Aw hell no!", waddled the man, crushing everything in his path as he steamrolled in the other direction, jiggling like the gelatinous mass that he was. Suddenly, he stopped. "What's this?", he asked to himself, leaning down, looking upon the | severed arm of a fellow patron. The arm clung posthumously to a glazed abortion of a donut; it was Krispy Kreme. Ignoring the sole vivacious, fleshy arm that remained in the Escher-esque ground, he guzzled the Krispy Kreme, and the microbes advanced. | He thought to himself, in aimless conjecture; maybe i should open up a Krispy Kreme! All i would need is a couple of arms a day. I'll always take up the offers of those who desire to "lend a hand". | Slowly, carefully, he swallowed, savoring each sweltering saliva sorbet of the sugary salutatory to his stomach. After this succession of savory secessions, he satisfactorily snogged the still spigot of Sprite subsequent to his eating of donuts. S.
4 ratings
#59
Top 5 Reasons Bear-Sharks are awesome Number 5: They are part bear, part shark and ALL AWESOME. | Number 4: They are my one reason to continue sailing these treacherous seas. Call me Ishmael. | Number 3: They will kill you without hesitation or remorse. | Number 1: They are better at counting. | Number 2: Their initials are B. S.
13 ratings
#7
The letters were still faintly visible on the old oak. Henry ran his hand across the etchings and smiled. He couldn't believe it had been ten years since he had come back to the old farm. | Henry was a mosquito (with hands). The ugliest of the brood, with a long protruding snout the size of Madagascar. Or at least that's what the other mosquitoes said. Henry didn't mind, he could suck a pint of blood/minute from over 3 yards away. | Henry snapped a few photos of the etchings and then returned to the farm house to sift through his old documents. After several hours, he finally found the evidence he was looking for. Henry wasn't a mosquito after all. He was something far greater. | Or so he thought. He stepped (with feet) into the cold and realized Autumn had come. Alas, Henry's open-circulatory system was no match for 45 degree weather. Kablooey! His gigantic snout, followed by his once impressive bod, did a literal nose-dive. | And so it came to pass that the last and greatest descendant of Jesus Christ met his demise.